On my back I’ve got a tattoo, it reads: “Invictus.” The Latinists amongst us would notice right away it’s spelled using the modern alphabet but that’s just for convenience sake.
It’s a reference to a poem written by Henley which describes precisely how I feel after agonizing years in jail and psychiatry. I never gave up. I always kept hoping for better days. I tried to enjoy life best I could even though I felt like I was being punished for something that wasn’t my fault.
But, I never gave in to the victim mentality, never used my past or illness as excuse to get something done. I just kept going. I never believed I was inferior to others, just different.
I’m not going to spend the rest of my life playing the victim. That’s just not my mentality. I love the creed: “improvise, adapt, overcome.” It’s from the US Army and reflects who I aim to become.
I’m not going to succeed in life by blaming others, hiding behind a diagnosis etc. I know this, so as far as I can, I live life in a normal fashion. I don’t accept help because I’m not weak, just troubled, so I pray daily.
I have my flaws though. I really do have a drinking problem and for this I apologize to everyone because escaping responsibility for my life and health ultimately doesn’t just hurt me. I’m accepting help for this. My uncle is my sponsor. He knows me well but is detached enough for the relationship to be relaxed, even when we discuss drinking. So far so good, it’s day 4 without alcohol and drugs.
By the way, I love my therapist. She’s a guardian angel as far as I’m concerned. I probably have lots of trauma and seeking professional help is fantastic. She has dozens of cases so nothing really surprises her which, I think, is great.
My problems aren’t that unique, sometimes just severe. I won’t succumb to the victim mentality, because then I will have lost everything, up to and including my self-respect. I’m a warrior, God equipped me for battle. And that’s that.
Peace out